I'm 16 almost 17 and I hate myself. I am giving life a year and a half to make a redemption, otherwise I am done. I am leaving my phone on my bed and my laptop unlocked and I am downing 4 cans of JD and coke and a bunch of random tablets I manage to buy from Boots or some shit. I don't give a fuck anymore. I do not give a fuck if people like me or hate me. I do not give a fuck if people enjoy my company or not. I do not give a fuck if people want me as a friend or as a boyfriend anymore (PS: I am not a faggot). I do not give a shit if I am dying a virgin. If Christ can do it then so can I. Except I do not think I will be accepted in there with him. I hate not being surrounded by people that actually show some sort of an appriciation about me. I
All you need to know about me is that I am a Balkan imagrant living in the UK and I have been hating myself ever since I came here in September of 2017. I was forced to be here by my parents. I hate them for that. I hate the fact they forced me to live in some shithole that has a fuckin dying economy and bread costs more than a fuckin African on the black market. I hate the fact that I am under appriciated. I feel like people that talk to me are just being forced to so they are not blamed when someone dies. Well to that I say fuck them. If they feel forced to to speak to me I hope they choke next time they're having a Chineese.
I am giving life another year and a half. I know that people are saying "Ooohhh you're just doing it for a fuckin attention" and to those people I say I hope the same thing happens to you as the people that are forced to talk to me. I genuinely hate life. I have only one goal for the rest of this year and until October 17th. Fuck it. I will try the following:
I know shouldn't burden people with my problems but, here I fuckin am. Making a complete mockery out of me. Being inpolite. Not shoving it down like a man
I want to try and pass my CBT test and get my license for a bike (this is to be done by February 21st) and I want to get myself a 125cc sportsbike USING MY OWN HARD WORK AND DEDICATION. Not like the rich cunts from my secondry school that show off their dreams coming true and their fuckin parents buying them all of this shit. What I'm I? I am almost a grown ass man that still wishes he was a kid because his childhood was a fuckin shit show. I want to get a job but these ignorant cunts prefer the coloured people and the fuckin Muslims and I am over here feeling like a fuckin bum becuase I am relying on my dad's money which he has to work his ass of to give. I am the reason why my dad is working himself into an early grave. I am the reason why everyone hates me. And not like Everybody hates Chris. The shit was jokes. I am talking about an Adam Sandler movie going wrong.
I want to go to flight school but, the shit is more expensive than a human trafficker. I want to get a job and not be replaced by the fuckin brown people and the faggots. I want things to go my way for once. I want to show my dad that I can do it. I want to prove to mmyself that I can do it. I want to be happy. But if it doesn't happen soon they'll find me in some wank forest next to a bunch of JD and Coke and a bunch of random tablets. I am sick of people not having time to hear me out.
Fuck rich kids my age. "Oohhhh, look at me my mommy and daddy are rich. They pay for all of my bullshit". Meanwhile I am over here thinking will I every go to flight school, wondering how I am supposed to get 40 grand from. While the speckie jackals get their shit handed to them like it's a fuckin frisbe group game. I just wanna get them in a line like Hitler did witht the Nazis and just spray 'em with an LMG. They fuckin piss me off. And I seee them bragging about it on their Instagram. Not having an once of shame. The fuckin retards. Fuck 'em.
My mom means well, but I feel like whenever my dad hears anything about her, or when I tell him I am going to her house for a bit not even 2 hours he gets angry and mad and he says "OOhh wasn't enough she drove you to school." But back when I was 12-14 I kept on asking let's go out and do something or let's go somewhere he just says he has to work. And I respect the fuck out the fact that he works two jobs justt to give me money for the week and also make me something to eat for the week and make me breakfast for the weekend. I am such a cunt for not telling him anyting. I lie like an OnlyFans hooker trying to extort money from you. I get jelous when I see other boys having a banging relationship with their dads. I hate hearing kids screaming and playing enjoying a life I never had
And look at me now. I'm sitting in my shitting room on my laptop making some sshit website making people think I am attention seeker.
I am the biggest virgin ever. It makes me wanna make my laptop fly like an Angry Bird whenever I go on Instagram and I see some slag with her boyfriend and all happy and shit, piping their worries away like a divorced Dave on a hooker that is going through a mid-life crisis.
I hate seeing other teenagers happy. I hate that they are living a life that I have never had. And I know that people are going to say "Oohh it's your fault for not playing you life cards right." You are right it is my fault. Let's everyone put their life troubles on me. A skinny, built like an unsharpened pencil that is close to getting close to being blown away by a 5 MP/h wind. I am not that bad. I am not anorexic. I am 5'7 and I am 50-52kg. But that still doesn't change the fact that I have so much hatred towards them. Every time I see my 12 year old neighbour I just want to hanng him of the edge by his shirt and start shooting him with a fuckin nerf gun that fat tub of shit.
"Ooohhh why not get a therapist?" Because these office wankers will only speak to me if they some of my bread (money). I want a real person to talk to. I want a WWII veteran that will tell me the real truth. Not just make up some relaxing bullshit to say to me that will make me give them even more bread. I want a man to man conversation. Someone that I can trust. Someone that will rightfully judge me. Someone besides my dad. If I had a son, I would just throw him a baseball and just talk about life and my ideoligies.
So yeah, what I have realised is that, it seems like that my dreams will never come true, I am going to college just so I can satisfy my family from both sides (mom's side and my dad's side), I want only two things to happen to me in life, have my own transport A.K.A. have a bike that I can use to get to where ever the Hell I want and to not get dropped off like some little kid on the first day of school and shit, I want to go to flight school, and I want to have at least 1 or 2 part time job(s). I want to prove to people that I can do it. But the one above is only giving me shit. I am getting shit. I feel like an absolute bum. I feel useless. I feel unwanted. I feel. Alone. I will see what happens after I get back from the Balkans. I hope things turn around for me and I actually get myself a bike. I hope that life starts looking up for me. I hope that people start to appriciate me just a little bit. How much I'm I asking for? Apparently, a lot.
If you actually made it to the end I want to say thank you. I just wanted to share my inner thoughts. I just wanted to share my feelings like a pussy. Because you know what I am a pussy. I'm scared to fire a gun, I'm scared to go to war. I am not growing up to be a real man. I am growing up to be a cry baby pussio.